No, you didn’t know Kevin J. McGroarty, unless you are lucky enough to live in West Pittston, Pennsylvania. But you might get to know him a little now, thanks to an extraordinary obituary he probably wrote himself. It begins with a headline: “McGroarty Achieves Room Temperature!” and covers his life from birth. An excerpt:
He enjoyed elaborate practical jokes, over-tipping in restaurants, sushi and Marx Brother's movies. He led a crusade to promote area midget wrestling, and in his youth was noted for his many unsanctioned daredevil stunts.
He was preceded in death by brother, Airborne Ranger Lt. Michael F. McGroarty, and many beloved pets, Chainsaw, an English Mastiff in Spring 2009, Baron, an Irish Setter in August 1982, Peter Max, a turtle, Summer 1968; along with numerous house flies and bees, but they were only acquaintances.
McGroarty leaves behind no children (that he knows of), but if he did their names would be son, "Almighty Thor" McGroarty; and daughter, "Butter Cup Patchouli."
You can read the rest at the Times-Leader. -Thanks, Kim Paladino!